Sometimes I wonder how fair or unfair I was to myself, but some things did play a relevant role in my life.
Being sons of a 70’s generation folks and a real hippies, it left a lot of freedom for me and my identical twin brother to enjoy while growing up.
Starting early with Marijuana and the first LSD-s by the age of sixteen it felt that we are discovering the world in a completely new way and the rise of sensations were just a small part of it, because the most enjoyable part was sitting in the city center when there is no one around, just waiting for dawn, feeling alive and just talking about it.
I did not know that the effect which it had on conscious is so personal, as many of others that were experimenting with hallucinogens did not necessarily share the same interest and mine was always about life.
I wasn’t even aware for what is waiting for me, there was just slight changes every couple of years, with some ideas that I would write down, but 21 years later, at the age of 37 it happened.
I did not use psychedelic substances from the age of eighteen and I failed to see any connection between my experiences and previous consumption, but the most psychedelic period of my life had began.
What a mind can do to a body is unbelievable, especially when the body has taken control over the mind. Sensations like an octopus is squeezing my head and that my brain is on fire were even enjoyable, but the numbness, fear and a feeling of falling into the void were ever present and extremely painful, bringing the sensation of million spikes rushing from my heart, through lungs and bursting out of the skin. I could not sleep for more than six months and every evening when I would go to bed, I have wished not to wake up the next day, but how could I? As I could not fell a sleep anyway.
The agonizing pain ended with the birth of the beautiful mind. I tried to learn about it and I wasn't satisfied what literature had to offer, at least the one I could find at the time. My mind has awaken from years of hibernation and life in this money driven, moral free world, where I almost become one of the many, working out the pattern, probably without even realizing about what is the most important thing, but I knew that I had to help myself, as no one else will help me or is able to help me.
I lived through so many lives, faced my deepest fears, won the lottery and spent the life of buying real-estates, being a porn star, fell from the mountain, traveled through space and many, many more each starting and ending in a matter of seconds and realized that there is nothing to run after, except for life which rests within me. All the material things, even sensations, such as sexual simulations have their expiration date and can not satisfy any of our real needs, but most will spend their lives running after dreams they will not fulfill and it is very difficult to snap out of it, but the result of it is self hatred and a life of misery.
The strongest urge came really soon after waking up and it was to write and draw. The first article that I wrote is about the simplicity of life and it is called “The simple truth about life” which felt so right, so true and so lucid.
It was a psychedelic experience while I was writing it and many other articles followed up.
I managed to see life from deep within and far out and the only way I could present it was through a drawing as I did find out that the speech center in my brain carries certain limitations and even if I would learn all the languages on this world I would not be able to express the sensations I was going through and a picture appeared in my mind.
From a half dead skipper, pissing his life out I have almost immediately stopped smoking (which I did for 24 years), stopped drinking, well, not to count further, I have stopped killing myself. I finished already 6 online courses, read many books, sign up for yoga classes, I do meditation alone, started to learn French and from October I am starting again with University studies, opening with “Introduction to social studies” and I can honestly say now, I have never been happier.
Thank you Michael Pollan for triggering me to write this, because after a long time I have admitted that I am happy.
My psychedelic experience saved my life!